I feel as if a whole year has passed this month.

Yesterday was my mom’s funeral. Right now I feel like an empty shell of a person. Numb, nothingness, just trying to make it through the next couple days.

We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know the when. The last few weeks have been a blur. My daughter’s baby shower, we spent so much time preparing for, gone. Bountiful, beautiful baby girl gifts sweet watermelon pink. Family, friends, strangers to me celebrating the gift of life to come. The following day, Mother’s Day.

In the morning, Angel, Paul and I went to visit my mom. We had a really good visit. My mom seemed to know what was happening around her and we took some pictures with my mom’s hand on Angel’s pregnant belly. The only 4 generation photo that will ever be. Later that evening, as we were going out to eat where Arabella works for Mother’s Day, as my plate was set in front of me I got the call. My mom was having some sort of cardiac event. I told everyone to finish their food and then we would embark on the 45 minute drive to see her hopefully not too late.

Sunday night they called the family in. Little did we know she would live another 5 days. For those next five days, we spent every waking minute possible with her. I spent countless hours in a folding chair just sitting there watching her breathe. We only took time away to eat and sleep. My brother Luke came home, along with two of my mom’s sisters. We sat with her. She seemed happy to see us and sad when we left, although she was no longer able to speak, eat, or drink. We gave her liquids on a sponge. Near the end I remembered one of her favorite drinks from ages ago, Blue Moon beer mixed with an apple cider drink. She opened her mouth wide to take it in and closed her mouth tightly when I tried to take the sponge out.

Alex found an old piano down the hall and started to play. We had the hairbrained thought to bring the piano into the room, which we did and Alex played beautifully for his grandma. The last day we saw her was the hardest to leave. We stayed until the early morning hours. It was the early morning of Arabella’s birthday. We had plans for later in the day. Alex had a big gig to play at and Arabella wanted to go for her birthday. We were almost to the show when we got the call from Aunt Jan saying my mom had passed. I decided to wait until he was done playing to tell him. Although it was a difficult time, we knew we did everything we could to make her passing a time of great love. We were there as much as we could be and have no regrets about that.

It was a time of great sadness, but also one of healing and mending old wounds. We also spent a lot of time with my dad which gave us mixed feelings since he was never much of a dad or grandfather. He was there for my mom at the end, but in a way he had to be since he was sharing a room with her at the nursing home. He decided he didn’t want to go to the funeral. He didn’t want to be a part of the planning in any way. My brothers and I did all the planning. Cremation or burial? What to wear? What type of headstone? I was the one who told my brother Matt that mom went to heaven and wasn’t going to be coming back.

Yesterday was the funeral at my childhood church. It was hard to believe the woman in the casket was my mother. It didn’t look like her. She lost so much weight at the end. I thought at any moment she would walk into the room and this was all just a dream. I thought for a minute I caught a glimpse of her walking away, but it was just her sister not her. Then came the family, friends, and strangers to me celebrating her life with me. It was rather overwhelming seeing relatives I don’t recall ever meeting. People came from far and wide, my mom was worth remembering. Some said to forget the woman she became in the end and remember the woman she was. None of this has really sunk in yet.

I was able to reconnect with a cousin who lives out of the country who happened to be home visiting. She said she has a lot of family videos with me in them and wanted to send them to me. I also reconnected with a close friend, who used to date my brother Mark, who came to the funeral. I haven’t seen her or her husband in over a decade. We used to get together and play bridge. I’m not really sure how to navigate this new motherless world. I am happy her suffering is over on this earth. I know I haven’t had much down time to process everything yet. I will be busy working the whole holiday weekend, but after that maybe everything will sink in.