Maybe the title should be marathon training, too weak. That is how I feel right now, weak. Weak, weak, weak. Weak, depressed, and exhausted. Is it some sort of midlife crisis? Marathon training 6 hours a week? Running a business with my husband? Raising 3 teenagers? Keeping the house obsessively clean? The endless laundry? Or starting a blog about the demons I have spent most of my life running from? I feel like a cracked and broken vessel. But who doesn’t inwardly love the sound of shattering glass?
I want to quit, give up. I feel angry. Why should I be telling you all of the intensely painful experiences in my life? Stories I shared only fully with one other person. I am standing in front of you naked, broken, ugly, alone. I don’t even want to run anymore. Maybe I am finally strong enough to face my demons and finally use it to help others. Outwardly I am beautiful and strong, inwardly I am broken and ugly. I will never be a completely unscarred human being, but I can help you get through this life. I was meant to help you. I know my purpose. I was meant to do this, but I want to quit. I need to tell my story to help others who have a sibling with a disability. I feel your pain. I feel your rage. I feel your sadness. And if I ever forget or run out of things to say, I have a box full of journals written during the most painful moments of my life. Pray and have faith that your life will get better, mine has.
Maybe next time I will write more about marathon training.