Unrest

/ Outrunning my demons

I don’t want to do this anymore, this whole life thing. I want to hibernate somewhere, hidden away under cover.

I don’t know how I got to this point. I’m just tired of it. I’m just tired.

I couldn’t fall asleep last night. It was after midnight before I silently fell into slumber. This happened twice this week although this type of insomnia rarely happens.

I couldn’t stay asleep last night. I slept restlessly. I awoke several times. At 4 AM I had to go to the bathroom. This is the type of insomnia I call home.

I had one of the most intense nightmares that I had in a long time. I was a little girl. I was brought to an empty house because there was going to be a lot of blood, my blood. I went willingly because I knew I had to be the sacrifice. I was afraid. I was going to be hurt badly, but I would live through it. Before anything happened, the owner of the house came back. She looked like a grown up me. I told her that she needed to leave because she would get killed for being there. She tried to help me, we ran away. She was killed and I hid in the closet terrified knowing I would be next. Now we both were going to die because she tried to save me.

I awoke at 5:30, less than an hour before my alarm was going to go off.

Today is the day that my video is being posted. I didn’t know it until this morning. I hate the video. I want to destroy it. I feel so anxious about it.

Why do I have this need to tell everyone about the things I’ve experienced? I just don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to blog. I want to disappear off the face of the earth like I never even existed.

I thought of strange things. I remembered the book my mom used to read to me about Toad and Frog. They left the door open and winter came in. They were cold, sad, and lonely. They made soup out of their tears. It was almost as if the hauntingly sad child me came for an unwanted visit. But to cast her away would destroy us both.

I struggled to find the motivation to do everything I needed to do. Some days are like that. I’ve been stirring up my demons. But I was able to make it through. It is hard to do when my body and mind doesn’t let me rest.

Maybe tonight I will sleep.

Unrest.

 

9 thoughts on “Unrest”

  1. Unfortunately, I understand how you feel. Peace is difficult to find, death seemingly almost desired. But sometimes it’s not that you want to die, it’s more that you no longer want to exist.

    My mom read me the same book growing up. It was almost like she was preparing me for the inevitable melancholy of life.

    Just keep trying. Maybe one day, it’ll get better

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    • I’m sorry that you understand how I feel. There are some things in life that you can get through but can never seem to get over. Sometimes it’s hard to accept although I think it’s the same struggle that makes me a better person. Thanks again. I like your name Fire Starter.

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    • Exactly! I wish I could turn off the need to be vigilant at night like a light switch. I don’t need to be that way anymore. My sleep patterns are so random. But if I have several sleepless nights in a row I get a little crazy! I’m glad you found ways to help yourself through it. I just came to the realization that having insomnia and nightmares more nights than good sleep is not normal even if it is ‘normal’ for me. Now I’m trying to fix it.

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