Once again, I don’t particularly feel like writing. But here I am sucked into this strange compulsion to tell my story.
My youngest daughter, Arabella, was planning on having a friend up north with us this past weekend. We had to cancel those plans. The old Matt was back in town.
When Matt went off of his medication, the voices came back…the ones that told him to hurt little girls. He said that he wanted to kill our 10 year old niece. He said the voices scared him.
Matt was going to be up north this weekend. Arabella wanted to bring a friend that had long glossy hair down to her waist. She was the kind of girl that Matt might want to wrap his fingers around. He might want to pull her hair and make her cry. Or maybe he would sink his nails into her skin. I imagine those things because those things are possible.
Arabella didn’t understand why I changed my mind about letting her have a friend up north. She never saw the old Matt. She didn’t understand not being able to have friends over like I did. She was angry at me.
At first, I felt a great sadness over the whole situation. But it is strange how soon it became normal again. The agitated Matt…the man with fire red ears and constricted pupils muttering like a mad man. The Matt that flapped his hands together against his chest and paced the floors. The same Matt that hurt me…my family…my mother…my friends…my oldest daughter.
Isolation…but this time it won’t be me. Luke will have to spend some time away. He can’t risk his daughters being hurt.
I feel his pain.
I know what it feels like to see someone I love hurt by someone I love…the conflicting emotions of anger and compassion.
Matt’s needs were always and will always be more important than that of us, his siblings.
All of the old feelings popped up again. It probably didn’t help that I was already diving into it by reading old journals.
I was stirring up old demons while being shaken by the new ones.
I feel bad that I probably won’t be able to see Luke and his family much this summer. I hope that this passes soon now that Matt is back on his medicine again.