On my way home from work this past week, I followed a drunk driver. He was weaving all over the road, in and out of the ditch almost taking out some signs, just missing mailboxes and garbage bins. I felt anger towards the man in the truck as I thought of the school bus returning the little neighborhood kids meer minutes ago. Then it hit me. I wasn’t safe either. Neither were the other bikers or runners.
At my last doctors appointment, I was told that I was in great shape. My already low cholesterol levels dropped 50 points. My blood pressure was low. I am the epitome of health (something I always remind the doctors of when I am sick). My weight was perfect. Absolutely everything was wonderful. I attributed this to all of my running. I thought the doctor would prescribe me cigarettes, liquor, and a sedentary lifestyle. Seriously, how else is she going to make money off of me?? Injury, well yes, I suppose there could be that.
There is no doubt that running has made me stronger and healthier. But my anxious mind also thought about how it could kill me. Here are my 50 ways to kill a runner:
1. Getting mauled by a bear, wolf, or dog.
2. Getting struck by lightening.
3. Getting overheated. Warm running days don’t happen that often in WI, but when they do we are not prepared for it.
4. Freezing to death.
5. Sweating to death.
6. Tripping over my own feet and hitting my head on the control panel of my treadmill.
7. Getting struck in the head by flying debris. This could happen when a truck carrying rocks goes over a bump or when someone tosses a beer bottle out the window. This happens, I see all of the crap that you throw out your window.
9. Drunk drivers. I try to run in the mornings to avoid this problem.
10. Dark trails in the woods that happen to be next to a gun range. What? That is a homicide waiting to happen.
11. Getting hit by a stray bullet.
12. Getting attacked by a swarm of angry birds or bees. You never know about the birds and the bees.
13. Delivery drivers, they are always in a hurry.
14. Now that I think about it, maybe my mail carrier. She never smiles or waves.
15. Getting caught in white out conditions from snow and getting lost or hit by a car.
16. Getting hit by a car.
17. Getting hit by a car!!
18. Getting hit by a car!!! At least you have a chance of outrunning the rapist.
19. Getting swept away by a tornado.
20. Did I mention flash floods?
21. Slipping on ice and bumping my head.
22. Those service truck guys who ask for directions.
23. Electrocution from downed power lines.
24. Running so fast that people don’t seem to see you.
25. Items that fall from overhanging trees.
26. Trying to save a cat from getting hit by a car and getting hit by a car.
27. New drivers.
28. Old drivers.
29. Getting hit by a train.
30. Getting an infection from all of the chaffing.
31. Getting West Nile, malaria, or Lyme’s Disease from bugs attracted to a sweaty stinky body.
32. A deadly sunburn.
33. Being scared to death by a runner that sneaks up behind you.
34. Choking on rehydration products.
35. The smell of stinky sweaty running clothes is enough to kill someone alone.
36. Getting hit by a school bus due to kids distracting the driver.
37. Training for a marathon.
38. Infected bloody toenails
39. Getting pneumonia from running in the rain.
40. Running in the dark.
41. Running barefoot and stepping on dirty needles.
42. Idiot drivers that are texting.
43. Women who are doing their hair or makeup while driving because they are late for work again.
44. New parents distracted by a crying baby or the kid who snuck out of his car seat again.
45. Is there really nothing good on the radio people who veer the direction they are changing their radio station in.
46. Did I tell you about the wooded trails?
47. Creepy guys in white unmarked vans.
48. People so in love they can’t keep their eyes on the road.
49. Falling over in exhaustion.
50. Seriously, do you know hard it was coming up with 50 ways to kill a runner???
I used to think that running would prolong my life, but now I am not so sure.