What could’ve been

Last month someone close to me attempted suicide.

Maybe you noticed I didn’t write much during that time, maybe not. It’s been easier to write about crusty old scabbed over wounds than the ones currently tearing open my flesh. But now I’m ready to jump back into the flames of the fire that consumes me and threatens the very walls of my foundation.

Part of it I blame myself. I was where I spent most of my life, in survival mode. I was consumed by everything going on with my dad. It’s very bad and it sucked every ounce of energy, joy and peace out of my life. I thought about it every day and every night much like we are thinking about the corona virus. There is not a day that goes by we can completely purge this crisis from our minds.

I didn’t notice anything was wrong. If I did, I dismissed it as superficial (not as bad as what I was going through with my dad). When you are drowning, you tend not to notice if someone else is going too deep.

This person took a handful of pills and settled into bed for their last peaceful slumber. But it wasn’t like that, peaceful. Their life passed before their eyes taking a nightmarish turn. What have I done? Terror coursed through their veins as they struggled to purge the pills. Then they reached out for help.

When I found out, I screamed wildly with rage. I kicked the garbage can and assaulted the contents within. I wanted to put my fist through the wall, but restrained myself. For a few days after, my logic brain shut down. I forgot what day it was. I couldn’t process things in my mind that before I did with ease. My strong suit of structure shut down. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t write. Fear coursed through me day and night making it nearly impossible to sleep.

I felt angry with my dad. After what he did, I didn’t think I would ever smile again. Did this person think I was angry with them because of my reaction to my dad? I pushed everyone away. I’m so sorry I didn’t realize they needed help until it was almost too late.

I’m not going to lie, this past year has been tremendously difficult. What little joy remained within me was destroyed after the suicide attempt.

I feel like the mistakes of others are ruining my life. My childhood was ruined and is not salvageable. I tried really hard not to let the things other people do ruin my life, but it is easier said than done. If I am going to wallow in despair my whole life from the mistakes of other people, I might as well just screw up my life myself.

I can’t bear the weight of this anymore. Have it back. I don’t want it. Call me selfish, but I just want to worry about myself.

Thankfully this person realized they made a mistake to try to end their life. They are now getting the help they need. But still my mind wanders to what might have been. What would life be like if this person was not around? It would be horrible to find them dead.  Gone forever. There is much sorrow in thinking of what might’ve been. Thankfully this is not how their story ends. If nothing else, I can take comfort in that.

5 thoughts on “What could’ve been

  1. I can relate to your post here my friend. I myself made an attempt 9 years ago in ’11 and have had friends attempt as well. I also had another friend blow out his own light completely. There are no words for the pain and the grief. I have spent the past 10 yrs forgiving myself and healing. I have been able to get yo the point where I feel trust, belief and love for myself. I am finally worthy of love. Self love which is the best and greatest of all. Only I can do the best job of that.
    My hope for you is that you get here too. You deserve peace and only you can find that within yourself.
    In the meantime I will send you love & peaceful vibes. Stay well my friend❤✌🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! I hope and pray for peace and healing for all who are struggling with this. It’s a long road like you say but is attainable. You are worthy of life’s joy. Sometimes it takes the darkness to see the light. ❤️❤️

      Like

      • Yes my friend!! One doesn’t exist without the other. We must experience and accept the darkness within ourselves to truly shine bright. It’s also cyclical and ever unfolding and evolving. Never ending. Such as life😉

        Liked by 1 person

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