Write, right?

It’s been a busy week and I haven’t really felt like writing.

Most of the time I have no qualms about throwing it out there. But for some reason this week I’ve felt impersonal. I want to keep my distance and my thoughts to myself. I worry that I’ve already shared too much.

I feel frustrated. My thoughts are fluctuating about my writing. One day I have great confidence. My book will be a bestseller and I can’t wait to chronicle my descent into despair. The next day I want to walk away from it all and not open myself up to be vulnerable to the world.

I don’t think I’ve ever read a book that has been as personal as mine is going to be.

Word has gotten around that I am writing a book. I got a call from a publisher this week. She wants to meet for coffee to discuss my book. She said that memoirs are flying off the shelves right now. She wants me to send her a sample of my book. I am thinking about turning her down, but I am not sure if that is a smart idea. She is a small publisher that mainly publishes works of fiction.

I am not ready to deal with this yet. I want to take my time and write a great book before I worry about finding a publisher. Then I feel bad because I have some good friends who wrote great fiction books and haven’t been able to find a publisher.

The end of the summer, I will be public speaking about being a sibling with an autistic brother. My contact said that once I have my book written, she had someone interested in publishing. I would prefer to publish my book in the mental health memoir genre. Now I will need to reach out and contact them to see what my options are. It is all very confusing as a first time author.

All I want to do is write my book and not worry about anything else right now. The publisher said that if I finish writing a book, I will find myself in the 1% of the population who has. That is rather exciting, but I have no interest in being an author.

I just want to write my book. I’m not sure what I’m going to do after that. I can see myself doing public speaking and being an advocate for families, especially siblings, of the disabled. But I haven’t even done my first public speaking stint yet. Maybe I won’t like it. Maybe I won’t be good at it. The thought of public speaking about something this personal is starting to fill me with anxiety.

I’m not sure where this path is going to lead me and I am filled with doubt. But I think I need to keep writing.

Write, right?

13 thoughts on “Write, right?

    • Thanks for the interesting and thought provoking question. I don’t think that the autism world will reject my story. I do think that most people in my situation feel very similar. But for some reason the siblings aren’t speaking up. I’ve tried to find a blog like mine, even books, but they aren’t out there. I would like to think that the autism world would be compassionate towards the families as well as the individuals struggling with autism. I guess I will find out.

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      • I hope so. You certainly deserve compassion. What made me think of that was something I read about people trying to claim that autism is a normal variation of personality and that we should not try to ‘fix’ autistic people. Have you heard of that?

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      • Yes, I’ve heard about that. I think that there are many high functioning autistic individuals on the spectrum that are able to live relatively normal happy lives. I’ve met a few people I didn’t even know had autism until I was told. They probably need acceptance versus fixing. A personality variation is a bit of a stretch.

        My brother was extremely violent and is de-habilitated by autism. He has a hard time functioning without caregivers helping him. His mental health struggles are extreme. I would think that most people would take that into consideration. He can’t read, write, drive, have a regular job, find love, or take care of himself and that is sad. In some ways it impacts the family more because he doesn’t understand what he is missing. I would like to think most people would find compassion in their hearts for both him and our family.

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      • I think anyone who reads your story would be able to see that his autism was nothing to celebrate. 😔 I’m so sorry that you and your brother were so affected by it as well. It sounds like it was very scary .

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  1. Keep writing. I want to read your book. I want to hear what being a sibling to autism is like. It might help me as a parent to autism with remembering the I have other children. I mean I always remember them, but maybe they have different ideas about my parenting skills and lack of.

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  2. Do keep writing, and postpone thoughts of publication : you have got your priorities straight. This book is asking a lot from you. Maybe you will, along the way, find yourself thinking new thoughts, telling a new story. That’s exciting, I find.

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    • Thanks for your comment! I did follow up with the publisher and tell her that I was not ready and just wanted to focus on the writing process right now. I feel content with my decision to not rush things. I find writing to be so much more therapeutic and refreshing than I thought it would be. I want to enjoy the process wherever it might take me.

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